Primary Night nurse (she had him from the very beginning), Kathy
Primary Day nurse, Susan
Seeing baby Felix for the first time
This is ALL I want
And this is all Nanny wants
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Love is this...
Primary Day nurse, Susan Seeing baby Felix for the first time This is ALL I want And this is all Nanny wants
Then and now
Felix, just a few days old
Felix on his due date, May 17
He's lost some hair, but has gained LOTS of weight. My sweet baby. I love you, son.It's that time of the year
I apoligize for not updating in FOREVER. I have been depressed. I still am. Most days I'm okay. But for the last week or so, I have not been. On Monday, May 17th, Felix was transfered to Mount Washington Pediatrics. This was a good day. I should've been happy since he's no longer in intensive care. He was 7 lbs. 14.5 ozs when they checked him in. I should've been beyond happy. This day was his due date. Darn it all....I hate crying. I thought I was okay with blogging, but I'm not. I'm still so emotional. I hate it. I was painfully hiding all of my emotions that day. I was trying to be happy. I still am trying. Trying hard. My big belly never came. I got to see my baby grow on the outside, when he should've been growing on the inside. Sometimes I have thought, it's kind of cool. But friends, it is not. It is a difficult journy to witness. I have a few friends that are pregnant. They are all so beautiful. And showing. Friends, I am happy for you. I am. Please don't find me odd if I want to hold your belly when it gets bigger. I need to hold a big belly. I might cry. (not might....I will) According to my pregnancy history with my other two children, I should have a 2 week old baby at home. I should have very full and sore breasts. I should be exhausted. I have none of those things. I have a 14 week old baby boy who still is not home. I am well rested. My breasts are not sore. I have not been pumping as often as I should. I've been pumping for over 3 months now. For my baby that I hardly see. I used to hate that I would leak all of the time, but now, I want to leak. Sad.
So when I went to check Felix into his new home, I was excited to hear when his discharge would be happening. That is something that they tell you right away. They want these children home. I want my child home. The nurse practitioner who is working with my sweet baby said that he would be home, maybe, in 3-4 weeks. And they maybe (accompanied with the expression on her face) sounded and looked like she thought it would be longer than that.
WHAT?!
I cried. That's all I could do. That's all I can do. I try to be positive, but I can't. I just can't anymore. All I want is my baby to come home. I even unpacked and washed all of the baby boy clothes in his size. I washed the bassinet thinking that I would have my son home by the end of the month. That's what the nurse practitioner at Johns Hopkins told me. They said he should be home in 1-2 weeks. Liers. So now I have a huge, over stuffed laundry basket of baby clothes with no where to go. No little body to put on for who knows how long. I thought I could just take them to the hospital. That what I did at Hopkins. Mount Washington suggests not to. Stuff disappears. Are you kidding me?!
On the plus side, Alexander and Isabella can go and see Felix anytime. And up to four people can be by his bedside. So I think Sunday's will be our family time. We will be taking a family picture on Sunday. Oh yes, we will. I will also be staying the night weekly. Probably on Monday's after the kids go to bed.
So friends that are pregnant, please don't avoid me because you are afraid I might be sad seeing a bulging belly. I might cry seeing you, and I might be envious, but I need to see your joy in your pregnancy. And please, please, love me. I can't explain how difficult things are right now for me. I try to be strong. Someone, please, anyone who really cares, let me be weak. Let me cry and just hug me. Don't tell me how good everything is. Just let me cry. Because I need to cry. Please. I am glad that everyone is concerned for Felix. Thanks for your prayers and concerns. Can someone ask me how I am sometime? Because I'm not doing so great. I need someone to care about me, too.
In other news, I have planted a garden and I'm also raising chicks. They are my other babies. They are doing well. The garden is flourishing and the chicks are growing strong and healthy. It helps me to have something to keep me busy.
I will try to be a better blogger, and I will put a picture up soon.
All my love, and thanks.
So when I went to check Felix into his new home, I was excited to hear when his discharge would be happening. That is something that they tell you right away. They want these children home. I want my child home. The nurse practitioner who is working with my sweet baby said that he would be home, maybe, in 3-4 weeks. And they maybe (accompanied with the expression on her face) sounded and looked like she thought it would be longer than that.
WHAT?!
I cried. That's all I could do. That's all I can do. I try to be positive, but I can't. I just can't anymore. All I want is my baby to come home. I even unpacked and washed all of the baby boy clothes in his size. I washed the bassinet thinking that I would have my son home by the end of the month. That's what the nurse practitioner at Johns Hopkins told me. They said he should be home in 1-2 weeks. Liers. So now I have a huge, over stuffed laundry basket of baby clothes with no where to go. No little body to put on for who knows how long. I thought I could just take them to the hospital. That what I did at Hopkins. Mount Washington suggests not to. Stuff disappears. Are you kidding me?!
On the plus side, Alexander and Isabella can go and see Felix anytime. And up to four people can be by his bedside. So I think Sunday's will be our family time. We will be taking a family picture on Sunday. Oh yes, we will. I will also be staying the night weekly. Probably on Monday's after the kids go to bed.
So friends that are pregnant, please don't avoid me because you are afraid I might be sad seeing a bulging belly. I might cry seeing you, and I might be envious, but I need to see your joy in your pregnancy. And please, please, love me. I can't explain how difficult things are right now for me. I try to be strong. Someone, please, anyone who really cares, let me be weak. Let me cry and just hug me. Don't tell me how good everything is. Just let me cry. Because I need to cry. Please. I am glad that everyone is concerned for Felix. Thanks for your prayers and concerns. Can someone ask me how I am sometime? Because I'm not doing so great. I need someone to care about me, too.
In other news, I have planted a garden and I'm also raising chicks. They are my other babies. They are doing well. The garden is flourishing and the chicks are growing strong and healthy. It helps me to have something to keep me busy.
I will try to be a better blogger, and I will put a picture up soon.
All my love, and thanks.
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