Happy happy day

Last Tuesday, on our 2 week and 5 day birth/rebirth day, I got to hold Felix for the first time. It was the most wonderful thing EVER. When Mom and I got to the NICU, his nurse asked if I had held Felix yet and I told him I had not. She then (without my knowing it) tracked down the Nurse Practioner and the Respiratory Therapist and asked them if I could hold my sweet baby. They said yes, but only for a short period of time, maybe 10 minutes. When Kathy (his nurse, and my FAVORITE nurse....and not just because she got Felix into my arms) told me that I would be holding Felix, I cried and cried. She cried with me. A lot of people in that room cried with me.

I had been praying for quite some time that I would get to hold my son. I felt like I was never going to be able to hold him. Every day seems like a week when you have a baby in the NICU. I was having a hard time being patient. BUT, Heavenly Father answered my prayer and let me hold my sweet tiny son for 15 minutes! It seemed like 2, but I was so glad to hold him.

When they placed him in my arms, it didn't really feel like he was there. He was so small! I didn't know if I was allowed to kiss him or not (silly, huh?), so I asked and they said kiss away! I have never been afraid of kissing my babies, but I was afraid of kissing him. I had just been sick with a nasty stomach bug a few days prior, and I didn't want him to get sick. I was also afraid that I would suffocate him or something, since he is so small. But once I got those first few kisses out, I let him have it. And guess what, he liked it. Sweet boy. I can't wait to kiss him some more.

Mom changed Gabe's diaper because I was too weak to do it. (Mom calls Felix "Gabe". She didn't like the name Felix, even though now she says it's growing on her. But she will always call him "Gabe" because he's her angel baby.)

LOOK! His belly button fell off! (not really....just his umbillical cord) That made me sad, but it's fun to see his cute little button.
This is when he was being wrapped up so I could hold him. That shirt is one of the newborn standard hosptial shirts. It was as big as him.

All ready for Mami.

My favorite picture. Boy was I crying. Happy that I could hold my baby, but sad that it took so long before I was able to hold him.

An upclose look at my son. I must say, he is quite handsome.

Kisses

Me and Mommy (Nanny) and Felix

Love is in the air

Oh. I feel so much love from so many bodies. I thank you all so much for loving me and my family. I'm greatful for prayers. I'm greatful for all of the Valentine's I've received. I'm greatful for the emails and comments that are encouraging and compassionate. I'm greatful for the phone calls and the visits. You have all helped me so much.

Thank you.

Yesterday afternoon my friend Sommer came to visit before going to her mothers. I miss Sommer. Since we moved we haven't talked very much. I was so greatful to see her. I love this girl. I needed her hug and to smell her hair (it always smells so good....I know, I'm weird). She told me that my ward was going to sponser a blood drive in my honor and host it at the Winter's Run meeting house (my old ward). I cried hard. I cannot type all of this without crying. What a BEAUTIFUL GIFT. I am so greatful for the people who willingly donated their blood and SAVED MY LIFE. I'm thankful that my ward wants to say thank you to those people by donating more blood. I want to be there that day, in April, to hug each and every person that comes in to save someone else. I wish I could hug the people that saved me. What an act of love, donating blood and organs to save people you don't know. It is (to me) the pure love of Christ. It is charity.

My sweet friend Tiffany also came yesterday to help with the kids and to visit. Dear friend, I'm sorry I was so tired and sore and that we didn't get to talk more. I can't wait until I am better and we can garden together and learn new talents together. Thank you for loving me so much. You are the sunshine salad on my plate. HAHA....that was cheesy. But seriously, I love you.

And to my dear husband.

Hi Baby. I'm so sorry that I put you through so much sorrow and pain. I'm so thankful to our Heavenly Father that we still have each other. I'm thankful that you have been so supportive of me. Thank you for letting me cry to you. For kissing me lots and lots. For holding me even when you are tired. I promise you I will try not to cause you stress any more. I love you so much. I hurt for you and wish I could erase everything from your memory. I will take good care of you forever. I promise.

With all of my eternal love,
Your baby

Tomorrow I get to see my sweet Felix. They are weaning him from the ventilator. I'm glad he's been doing a little better. One day he will be home. One day.

Baby steps

Little Felix keeps doing worse every day. Yesterday morning they put him on the ventilator. He's received two blood transfusions, because his red cell count is low, but it's not making much of a difference. He might be bleeding in his brain. They will scan his head tomorrow to see if he is or not. He has some kind of bacterial infection, but they aren't sure what it is. They removed his PIC line (the second time) just incase the infection in from that. He has a lot of fluid in his lungs, so he's on medication to make him pee more. They are giving him extra breaths through the ventilator because he's not doing it on his own. Good news, his PDA was small today when they did the echocardiogram, so hopefully it will close up all the way and his heart will be better. I am getting further and further away from being able to hold my baby. Yesterday, Ronald and I went down to see Felix together. It was nice to be with Ronald and to see Felix together as husband and wife, and as his parents. While we were there, three of the babies mothers came in. They got to hold their babies. Two more babies were being held by their nurses while they got their bottles. I put on my happy face. I was not happy. Honestly, I was jealous. I felt bad (and still do) for feeling that way. I wanted to go up to them and tell them how lucky they are that they can hold their babies. I wanted to beg my nurse to let me hold my son, but I didn't because I knew she would say no. Yesterday was difficult for me in that sense. I feel like I am never going to be able to hold him. I'm trying to be patient, but I CAN'T! I WANT MY BABY! I'm tired of crying because I can't hold him. I need him to help me heal.

I do not like the way I look right now, which is SOOOO not me. I am always (seriously) pretty pleased with how I look. I know this sounds rediculous, but I want to have a great big belly. I want to look like I just had a baby, and I don't. I fit into my regular clothes, and I HATE THAT! It upsets me to the point of many many tears. When I saw one of my life-saving doctors on Friday, I told her how upset I was that I fit into my clothes. She cried with me and sincerely said she was sorry I fit into them too. I need others to cry with me over this! PLEASE. I don't want to be thin again, I want to have a nice big round belly. Sometimes I forget that I had Felix. I think I'm still pregnant, but then I remember, and I cry.

I'm sorry to complain so much, but I am just so sad. I need to record my feelings. I need my baby, and I need to be fat. That's all I want.

My Felix.

So many tubes, I wish he didn't need them.
The closest I get to holding my son.

The "unhappy that I fit in my clothes" pictures. Part 1

Part 2

When I was in the hospital, before Felix was born, Ronald took pictures of the kids for me. The last picture of the two of them is from when I was in the hospital. The individual pictures of them was yesterday after nap time. Their eyes have changed so much since I've been home. They don't look sad anymore. I'm greatful for that.

My happy boy!

My beautiful girl!

This picture broke my heart in the hospital. Oh I love these kids. I'm sorry that they had to miss their mami, but I'm glad I'm still here.

Another time

Mom and I went to the hopstial last night to see my sweet baby boy. I was looking forward to holding him. That did not happen. His heart rate is still dropping, so they are going to wait until his heart is stable before I can hold him. His PDA (and artery that is between his two main arteries of his heart) hasn't closed off. This usually closes with full term babies on it's own. They are giving him ibprofen to help close it. I'm hoping it will work. If it doesn't, then he will need surgery to clamp it closed. I did get to check his temperature and change his diaper. I know it sounds silly, but I was very excited to do those things. Two of my doctors came into the NICU to see me. I cried as soon as I saw them, got up and gave them both a HUGE hug. I love them. I really do. The nurse informed me that I'm not allowed to bring in any more breast milk for a little while. Each baby is allowed 3 bins of milk in the freezer, Felix's are full. What can I say, I love making the milkies for my baby. Here are a few pictures from our visit last night.

Sleeping on his belly.

That stethoscope is so tiny. It doesn't look so tiny on him, but it is.
Changing his diaper. I was SOOOO excited when the nurse asked me if I wanted to change him. I want to help take care of him every opportunity I can.

I was a little nervous, he's so small, and I was afraid I'd hurt him or something.

Mom (Nanny) and Felix holding hands. I love his sweet, long fingers.

Ronald and I are going to see Felix every Sunday together. I look forward to that. Yesterday was a good day (minus the fact that I couldn't hold my baby). Felix is back up to 2 lbs. and is doing very well. I am so thankful for that. I am exhausted, which is frustrating, but I will rest some more today so I can see my baby tomorrow. I love this boy.

I am home

I am home. They discharged me on Tuesday. It was bittersweet. I was so very excited to see my children and to be home (I had been in the hospital for 9 days), but I was very very sad to leave behind my little Felix. Yesterday I rested all day long. My body needed it. When I was awake (to pump), I would cry. I wanted to be nursing my baby, not pumping. I want to wake to a crying baby, not an alarm. But seeing that he's only 27 weeks (gestationally), he won't be ready to nurse for at least 5-8 weeks. I'm hoping for the 5, and not the 8, but I'll take what I can get. I am recovering well, considering what happened. My whole body aches, and the pains I feel are weird. I having c-section pains, plus other weird pains. Today I did a lot of walking around. Well, maybe not a lot, but for me it was. I ate dinner at the table with my children this evening (Ronald was at school). I told Isabella I'd be eating in the kitchen and she said "I'm so excited!" It's good to be home.

Today Felix is one week old. He is doing very well. He's on 2.5 liters of oxygen, and they started feeds (2cc's over 3 hours). So far he's tolerating it. Tomorrow my Mom is taking me to see my baby Felix. I get to hold him! (As long as he's still doing well.) This is the first time I will be allowed to hold him...I'm sure I will cry, tears of sadness and of joy.

A week ago today, I gave my life to give my son life. I lost all of my blood, and the ability to clot blood. It took 10 liters of fluid to get me back to being alive. It took a team of AMAZING doctors to help me. Those doctors will be getting letters and invitations for years to come. I am greatful to them. A week ago today Heavenly Father so graciously gave me back my life. I am eternally greatful that I get to continue to live on this beautiful earth and be with my husband and my children. Heavenly Father has plans for me, and I want to fulfill them. I see everything in a new life now. How blessed I am.

Here are a few pictures from the last week. And again, thank you EVERYONE for your faith, and prayers and thoughts. You really don't know how much it means to me and my family. Your prayers helped pull me through, I'm sure of it. I love you all, even if I don't know you.

Felix the day he was born.

This is me in the SICU. I was VERY swollen because of all the fluids. Ronald didn't want to take this picture, but it was important to me. He was very patient with me and kind, especially since I couldn't talk. I love this man. I'm greatful that we can continue our earthly journey together.
Ronald's hand and Felix's foot. His feet are so long, but so tiny.

My first time really seeing my son. I cried and cried. I got to see him before I was let back to my room. This was Friday afternoon.

So very greatful to have this man in my life. I love you baby.

Seeing Isabella for the first time after a torturous week. I cried hard. She said "Mami, why are you sad?" How do you explain that to a 3 year old. We hugged for a long time.

My favorite picture.

Saying goodbye to Felix. One of the hardest things I've done. It's also the first time I saw his cute little nose and his head of hair.

My sweet angel baby. I love you, son.

Thank You For Your Prayers

Caitlin is doing very well and improving by the hour. After the laceration on Caitlin's cervix was closed, interventive radiology had to go through one of her main arteries in her right leg to get to her uterus to stop it from bleeding. The procedure as of now has been successful. We were informed by the doctors yesterday that Caitlin had lost all of her blood. They used a total of about 5 liters of blood to resuscitate her. I know that everyone's prayers were heard and answered. The elders from the Inner Harbor Ward were also here to assist with a blessing. Cailin's rapid improvement has been a miracle and a blessing. Little Felix is also doing amazing. Words can't express on how blessed I feel about her recovery and the baby. I'm also extremely appreciative to all of those who have been supporting us through our trial.

When upon life's billows ye are tempest tossed. When you are discouraged thinking all is lost. Count your many blessings name them one by one, and it will surprise you what the Lord has done. These are the lyrics that have been going through my head repeatedly.

Please Keep Caitlin In Your Prayers!

Caitlin Delivered the baby at 6:43 am Thursday. The baby (Felix) is doing great and he's currently in the ICU at John's Hopkins. Felix ended up weighing 2lbs 3oz. Caitlin however is currently not due to a laceration which has caused excessive amount of bleeding. The excessive amount of blood loss caused her to have blood transfusions. I am currently waiting with her mother for the doctors to update us on her condition. One of the things I would ask is if you can pray for her so the procedures are successful. Also if you can pray for me as it has been a very difficult morning would be appreciated. We love you all. God be with us!