Last week I went to a Stake Young Women's meeting. It was great to get out of the house and to be with the YW's presidency that I love and had missed so much. But at the same time, I wish that I didn't go for two reasons.
1. There was a very pregnant woman who walked into a liquor store near the church. At first I saw her belly and was very sad. I never got anywhere near that big this time. I barely made it to 6 months. And I am not allowed to ever be pregnant again because it's too dangerous. I'm only 26! I'm too young to be told I can't have any more kids! Then when I saw her go into the store, I became ANGRY. What was she doing?! Maybe she was buying a lotto ticket, or something for someone else....I HOPE I HOPE I HOPE. I seriously had my hand on the seat belt and was ready to get out of the car. But the light turned green and we moved. Good thing the light turned. I probably would've embarrassed myself.
2. Before the real "get down to business" part of our meeting started, we all got a little something to eat from the table in the back of the room. As I was filling my plate and talking to Megan B. from my old ward, a new mom and her brand new brought home from the hospital baby walked in the door. I started crying immediately and said "I can't do this." I quickly went up to my seat and sat down hoping that I would just be able to forget that they were back there. Then the baby cried. Then I cried. I was angry at that mom. Didn't she know what I was going through? I didn't get to see my baby that day because my Mom was sick. I missed him dearly. How DARE she bring her baby with her! I felt like she was rubbing it in my face. Look what I have and you don't! Then she was nursing her baby. OH MAN. You don't know how many times I was about to get up and walk out the door. I wanted to go and take her baby from her and RUN like the wind. How would she like it if she didn't have her baby? I seriously couldn't take it. BUT, lucky for me, I was cozy in between two lovely ladies that made it easier for me to stay. Tiffany, you must have known every single time I was about to go because you would either put your arm around me or talk to me, and then I had to stay. So thank you. And Geri, thank you so so much for offering to take me to see Felix the next day. That made things better.
I needed to stay for that meeting. I needed to feel the spirit that was there. I needed to here the guidance from President Clover at the end of the meeting and how we need to be better leaders and what we need to do to help our girls. I'm glad that Tiffany kept interrupting my attempts to leave. Otherwise I would've never heard those things.
When I got home that night, I thought a lot about my feelings. I felt TERRIBLE. I should not have been angry at either of those mom's. The first very pregnany mom, I should've been concerned, but not irrate. And that second beautiful and blessed mother, I don't know who she is, and she doesn't know me. How unfair of me to think that she was trying to hurt me. She had no idea what I was or am going through. I should not have been mad at her. I should not have been jealous. I should be happy for her that she can hold and feed and nurture her little one. I am so very sorry that I had those irrational feelings. I wish that I could go back and hug them both and tell them to take care of their sweet babies. To love them and nurture them and pray for them. I wish I could congradulate them. Repentence is hard sometimes. I never thought I would have a hard time repenting of my feelings, but I am. I am truly sorry. Please, everyone, forgive me. I need to forgive me, too. I am greatful for the atonement. I am greatful for my children. I love my family; my husband especially. I'm glad that Jesus Christ understands my emotions. He can help plead to Heavenly Father in my behalf as I plead for forgiveness. I am sorry. I will become better.
4 comments:
Caitlin, I am sorry that you have been so sad. Not that I know where you are comming from, but i understand. I think I told you that Lily stopped breathing when we brought her home...as was holding her and nursing her and she just stopped breathing. Her whole body turned blue and went limp. I was really angry after that. I remember going to target while she was still in the hospital and being angry and sad, and frustrated as I walked around and saw mom's ignoring their crying babies, at seeing pregnant moms smoking, and even that the happy mom's with their little ones. I swear EVERYONE had babies with them while I walked through the store. EVERYONE had their babies but me. Mine was laying in a hospital by herself as people I didn't know ran test after test on her. IT was really hard. And then like two days later my sister called me and told me she was pregnant! I pretented to be so happy for her, but once I got off the phone I cried for hours! And I was terrified to nurse again. Everyone would tell me how much they loved it, and I hated it. I didn't want anything to do with it because I thought that it was my fault that all of this happened. I was really bitter over anyone who told be how wonderful it was to be a new mom, and nurse, and cuddle their little ones because I was having a really rough experience with all of it. It took me almost 4months before I felt comfortable HOLDING Lily and even longer before I felt comfortable nursing her.
I think that it is normal to have these feelings. And they will pass. It is soooo hard to have such a tiny baby that is in so much need and not be able to do much about it. You are doing a wonderful job though. And the bad feelings will pass, and you will feel at peace again. And through my experience I really gained a testimony of how precious life is, and how serious my job as a mother is, and the trust the Heavenly Father has given me and the faith that he has in me to be a wonderful mother. You can get through this. It may be hard, but you are stronger then you think. You can get through this. It is okay to feel mad, angry, sad, and jelous sometimes. You are wonderful, beautiful, and amazing!
yes yes yes. to everything katie said. These emotions are so real and so raw and you are brave for sharing them. It's good for us to hear and I hope it will be comforting to you that others have felt these feelings too.
I cannot comprehend what you are going through but I had feelings of anger, jealousy, frustration through my trials with breastfeeding and with MAx in the NICU. It is still very hard for me to hear any woman talk about breastfeeding, about how much milk she is making, how strongly they believe in it.... because I believe in it too, my body just can't do it. And I still cry inside when mothers say things about how full they are, how they have to nurse right away, or about let down or about how much their child loves to be nursed to sleep. I have a lump in my throat just typing this.
So, just know that it is OKAY for you to be experiencing these feelings. You are on such a rollercoaster ride Caitlin with emotions all over the board I am sure. You are taking it all with grace and beauty. To want to be repentant is so inspiring. I don't think I think enough about repenting for emotions. But that would be the best step toward ridding yourself of those feelings. The Savior.
I love you. You teach me so much.
Caitlin,
You don't know me but I'm an old friend of Tiffany R. I just wanted you to know that I've followed your journey on your blog (I hope you don't mind)and your family is in my prayers. I pray for you daily and think about your sweet baby Felix. What a precious baby boy. He is obviously a special spirit that is meant to be here. You are an amazing mother and example to me. Thank you for sharing your journey because it has helped me to appreciate what I've been blessed with and helped me to be a better mother. Please know that I am praying for your family and I have faith that Felix will be home in your arms in no time. Hang in there and know that there are many people pulling for you! I hope the surgery goes well!
Emily
Hello Sweetie,
I'm doing my fair share of repenting for the same thing. Not too fun how being in such a weakened state allows a whole lot of other weaknesses to be so much more evident. God is fine tuning our hearts, giving us opportunities to choose to be loving even when it seems impossible. Unconditionally. Even if they have their babies and we don't. Even if they take for granted what we so desperately desire. We can still choose charity. But gracious sakes, sometimes it is just so hard. Let's keep praying for each other, OK?
Lots of love,
Catherine
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