Much better

Felix is finally starting to really improve. Last week they put him back on the conventional ventilator, finally. He's way less swollen than he has been and is weighing in at about 4 lbs! He's still getting lasix (the diuretic) and is getting bancamiacin and gentamiacin to treat a bacterial infection. He's on full feeds! That's 27 ml every 3 hours...just short of an ounce! But he's actually receiving his feeds continuously because he's been spitting up, and they don't want it to get caught in his lungs. So he's receiving 9 ml every hour of breastmilk.

Speaking of breastmilk, does anyone want some for their baby? Do you know anyone who needs some for their baby? Do you want to keep a TON of it in your freezer? I know this is all gross, but seriously, I need to get it out of my freezer or into a baby belly. My freezer is just about full (it probably will be by the end of this day), and I cannot dump it down the sink. What is the point of pumping if I will just dump it? I know I know....I need to keep up my milk supply, but if I dump it I will feel like I'm wasting my time. And I already hate taking the time to pump. I want my baby! NOT A MACHINE!

Yesterday Ronald and I went to see Felix after church. He looked so good. I asked the nurse if I could hold him and she said no. That's the second time this week I was told no. I don't understand. My favorite nurse Kathy R. doesn't understand either. I know that she had a "talk" with both of those nurses that told me no. Felix is very stable. His ventilator settings are low. I should be able to hold him. I cried yesterday after the nurse left. I went to the other side of the isolette and opened the little door closest to Felix's sweet face. As soon as I got my head right in the little hole (I wish I could fit my head through so I could kiss him, but the hole is too small), he opened his little eyes and looked right at me. We exchanged glances for about 5 minutes. Usually when he opens his eyes, they roll around, but not yesterday. Yesterday he looked right into my eyes. I felt like I was looking into the heavens. I always feel that a birth of a baby is so sacred. They have just come from the presence of our Father in Heaven. It is just that, sacred. Yesterday was different. It was sacred, but more so than I have ever experienced. I felt in awe looking into this little boy's eyes. I know that he is one special baby. He is my miracle baby. He will teach me a lot about life, I just know it.

I don't know if I've said this before, but he really is a miracle baby. When Felix was conceived, Ronald and I were on the brink of divorce, things were really bad. Then we had a week that we were happier with each other, discussed that we would wait to have children until Ronald was done school in 3 years, and shortly after I found out I was pregnant. No one was happy except for me. I was sick all the time (nothing new) and then it ended. Then I bled ALL THE TIME. Then we found out that he had spina bifida. Enter all the doctors telling me that I could abort the pregnancy. Over and over and over. NO! I won't. Then my water broke at 25 weeks and he was born at 26 weeks and 3 days. He was just past that age of viability. The world was working so hard against this little guy, and still is. But he is fighting, hard. Heavenly Father wants him here for some reason. For some period of time. I am grateful that he is fighting so hard. I am grateful that he has helped to heal my marriage with my husband. I love this miracle baby. All babies are miracles. But my Felix is my special little guy. My last baby. He has made me more beautiful. He has given me a chance to be a mami again. He will make me more beautiful in many ways. He's a miracle. I'm glad he's doing much better.