Critical

Dear friends and family,

Yesterday after Felix's surgery, this sweet little baby was doing just fine. His oxygen levels were very good. They were able to wean him a little from the vent. He did well until Ronald and I left, then he started doing really really bad. He went from being on 30% oxygen support to 95%, and he still didn't have good oxygen in his blood. That is really really bad. So, they changed the type of ventilator that he's on. Now he's on an osilator. It gives him more support in his lungs, more breaths. But he still is on a LOT of oxygen support...88%! This is not good at all.

The upper lobe in his right lung has collapsed. The lower lobe in his left lung is starting to collapse. His lungs are expanding down instead of out. The respiratory therapist said the lungs usually expand down to the 8th rib. They don't like it to expand past the 10th. His are down to the 12th. Not good. The bottom portion of his lungs are not releasing the air, they are holding it all in. This is also not good. There is a possibility that he good develop lung disease, but they aren't sure of it yet. His blood pressure is really really low. Right now it's 44/32. He's on dopamine to help increase his blood pressure. He's still on a morphine drip, and he's getting another blood transfussion. Hopefully the blood will help him get a little more oxygen through his body. He's really really puffy. He doesn't look good at all. It's scary.

The nurse practitioner told me that he is in critical condition, but right now it's not out of their control, which is good. But still, they are worried. It scares the HECK out of me that the nurse practioner is scared. That is sooooo not good.

I am terrified that I'm not going to be able to bring home my son. I'm afraid that he's going to pass away in the hospital. I attended the funeral of a friends new born baby a couple of months ago. It was a painful thing to witness the tiny casket. It was even more painful to see that poor mommy and how heartbroken she was (and still is). I'm afraid that I'm going to experience that. I don't know if I could. I know that it is such a blessing to have Felix here. To be able to see him, to watch him grow. I also know that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us. I hope that his plan for Felix included him being able to come home with us and to continue to grow and develop, but I don't know. Only Heavenly Father knows. I hope that this is not Felix's big trial. I know it sounds terrible, but I want him to have other trials besides these. I need to trust in my Father.

Everything will be okay.
Everything will be okay.
Everything will be okay.

Can I really convince myself of that? I'm not so sure.

A very sweet lady told me Friday night that she dreamt that I brought Felix home. What a beautiful dream. I cried. I wish I would have that dream. I hope it comes true.

So, I feel bad for asking, but would you all pray your hardest for my Felix. Pray that he might be able to continue to fight here. Please. And pray for me that I will have comfort. I need it more than ever. I can't describe how difficult this is. To not know if your baby is going to make it or not. I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I really don't. Pray for us.

Please.

Hopefully there will be better news soon. I need good news.

Maybe Michael Jackson is really alive! That would be good news... ha ha.

Love and hugs and many thanks (and tears) from the NICU.