Baby steps

Little Felix keeps doing worse every day. Yesterday morning they put him on the ventilator. He's received two blood transfusions, because his red cell count is low, but it's not making much of a difference. He might be bleeding in his brain. They will scan his head tomorrow to see if he is or not. He has some kind of bacterial infection, but they aren't sure what it is. They removed his PIC line (the second time) just incase the infection in from that. He has a lot of fluid in his lungs, so he's on medication to make him pee more. They are giving him extra breaths through the ventilator because he's not doing it on his own. Good news, his PDA was small today when they did the echocardiogram, so hopefully it will close up all the way and his heart will be better. I am getting further and further away from being able to hold my baby. Yesterday, Ronald and I went down to see Felix together. It was nice to be with Ronald and to see Felix together as husband and wife, and as his parents. While we were there, three of the babies mothers came in. They got to hold their babies. Two more babies were being held by their nurses while they got their bottles. I put on my happy face. I was not happy. Honestly, I was jealous. I felt bad (and still do) for feeling that way. I wanted to go up to them and tell them how lucky they are that they can hold their babies. I wanted to beg my nurse to let me hold my son, but I didn't because I knew she would say no. Yesterday was difficult for me in that sense. I feel like I am never going to be able to hold him. I'm trying to be patient, but I CAN'T! I WANT MY BABY! I'm tired of crying because I can't hold him. I need him to help me heal.

I do not like the way I look right now, which is SOOOO not me. I am always (seriously) pretty pleased with how I look. I know this sounds rediculous, but I want to have a great big belly. I want to look like I just had a baby, and I don't. I fit into my regular clothes, and I HATE THAT! It upsets me to the point of many many tears. When I saw one of my life-saving doctors on Friday, I told her how upset I was that I fit into my clothes. She cried with me and sincerely said she was sorry I fit into them too. I need others to cry with me over this! PLEASE. I don't want to be thin again, I want to have a nice big round belly. Sometimes I forget that I had Felix. I think I'm still pregnant, but then I remember, and I cry.

I'm sorry to complain so much, but I am just so sad. I need to record my feelings. I need my baby, and I need to be fat. That's all I want.

My Felix.

So many tubes, I wish he didn't need them.
The closest I get to holding my son.

The "unhappy that I fit in my clothes" pictures. Part 1

Part 2

When I was in the hospital, before Felix was born, Ronald took pictures of the kids for me. The last picture of the two of them is from when I was in the hospital. The individual pictures of them was yesterday after nap time. Their eyes have changed so much since I've been home. They don't look sad anymore. I'm greatful for that.

My happy boy!

My beautiful girl!

This picture broke my heart in the hospital. Oh I love these kids. I'm sorry that they had to miss their mami, but I'm glad I'm still here.